3 Floyds Responds to Anniversary Party Critics – Satire

I’m not a huge beer connoisseur, but I have friends that believe they are. I’ll have a beer or two when we go out, but due to the massive hangovers I always seem to have I tend to stick to hard liquor… cause that makes sense. Anyways, if you’re unfamiliar with 3 Floyds Brewing they are responsible for beers like Gumball Head, Zombie Dust and then their extremely rare beers like Dark Lord. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they only sell Dark Lord on 1 day and it’s a limited run so people line up for the stuff. They also have other seasonal beers that each come out in a certain month, but Dark Lord is the only one that is only sold for 1 day and that’s it.

So apparently last weekend 3 Floyds had an anniversary party at which they were giving away (or selling?) XV Anniversary Baller Stout. It would seem as though a lot of people were not happy with the way the event was handled and decided to voice their concerns on multiple beer drinking websites. Well 3 Floyds got wind of the bad press and decided to release the following [awesome] statement:

Update: Apparently the statement below was written as satire and was NOT the official response from 3 Floyds. Guess I should have looked into it a bit more, oh well, it’s still amusing to read.

It has come to our attention that many of the attendees of our 3 Floyds XV Anniversary party were less than thrilled with the organization and overall flow of the event. We’ve heard complains that people waited 3 hours to gain entrance to the party with pre-paid tickets, we’ve heard complaints that people waited in line for extra long periods of time to get our Baller Stout bottles, and we heard complaints that many of the speciality draft offerings we anticipated on pouring either never showed up, or blew quicker than anticipated. Since the end of April, we’ve been proudly hanging our hat on the fact that Dark Lord Day didn’t have any of these issues, yet somehow, we are getting the exact opposite response for this past weekend’s party. We would like to address these concerns with just a few bullet points.

• Why don’t you find a better brewery in the surrounding area? Oh that’s right,you can’t!
• Even though there were 4,000 less people at this event compared to DLD, we thought it wasn’t worth paying for extra resources or beer. We simply don’t care.
• You’re a stupid part monkey part sheep who will be back for DLD and our next anniversary party, hopefully we can make it even worse for you.
• You’re a stupid part monkey part sheep who will be miserable at our event and still fork over $50 for one of our rare beers.
• We are metal as f*ck.
• No matter how many years we throw parties, we will only note the mistakes, and not correct them. It’s a waste of time and we will still rake in more dough each year.
• We line our pockets with your money,your tears and Satan, and we are very grateful for that.

I hope this addresses the situation in a nutshell, and we hope to see you come out to our next party, Dark Lord Day 2012, which is slated for late Spring. We’ll be sure to keep all of the concerns you’ve expressed over at BeerAdvocate andRateBeer in mind while we cover our d*cks in aluminum foil and proceed to make love to your backside.

Three Floyds Management*

It sounds as though these guys are pretty confident in their product and the fact that just because a few people didn’t enjoy themselves at the party, they will still be racking in the cash come DLD (Dark Lord Day). As far as I’m concerned, this is one of the greatest responses to online criticism ever. Just because of this I want to try every beer they make, and I don’t even really like beer and I sure as hell am not “metal as f*ck! So 3 Floyds Brewing, we raise this glass to you, good show. [This statement can no longer be held true, since, alas, this response is fake…]

http://www.3floyds.com/